oh les ordinateurs

December 16, 2013 § Leave a comment

I realised a few moments ago that I have reached a point at which I actually prefer to write on the computer. I am more inclined, here, to write in sentences (where my notebook is a mass array of scrawlings, odd words, quotations, scribbles and memos). I can see things more clearly typed up in uniform text on the screen and I can edit my ideas here and change things around. And share things. Communicate, perhaps.

I used to avoid computers and avoid using the internet. I used to believe that both had a depressive effect on me. Maybe they did — the endless supply of information and links and choices — or maybe it had more to do with my own state of mind. Some combination, clearly, of the two.

My focus is pretty narrow. At least, I like it to be. I like to think about things quite singularly and to attack with intensity and due concentration.

At university a trip to the supermarket was enough to induce dizzy fever in me; total spaceout and meltdown in front of the thirty-something varieties of cereals.

I still generally find situations involving choice, especially when I imagine the fate of other individuals to be involved (whether choosing what to have for supper or selecting a country in which to live) very stressful.

Also, I was a total snob and obsessed with aesthetics, ideas of beauty and of purity. Computers fell into the ugly modern category. Computers just weren’t fucking Zen enough, either. I went through a cross-legged phase, studying Buddhism, and I wanted more than anything to simplify. This didn’t, I felt, jam with my laptop.

Shortly after this summer of green tea I left to travel Europe (but mostly France) with a backpack and reduced possessions; two pairs of trousers and a pair of shorts, a few t-shirts, a scarcely-used tent and some kind of tripod cooker contraption I rapidly discarded and left on the way side. And a whole bunch of books. Bliss. Bliss to be without unnecessary extra (physical) baggage and wonderful, to thus clear my mind and think and reflect, and see what I met as I met it, anew, present. To look again.

Now I use my computer every day and for the greater part of the day. I am studying Swedish via my computer, following a Rosetta Stone course. My correspondence I conduct electronically for the most part, and save money (unemployed) on postage. I blog and I research and I read up.

Why write for the dust mites and the wastepaper baskets and the shelves? Might as well put a few words out into the ether. Spew onto the internet / try to connect, communicate. Express the human condition / survive it.

The year is 2013 and we are living in a world of great and rapid technological advancement. So much of our information is broadcast, circulated and opened up to debate on the net. There is a lot of everything out there… crap and jewels.

I met a writer recently who told me he read little written outside of the 1920s. I wondered how his prose read.

I studied literature once but never reached post-modernism.

I am a woman but only looked to men as role models.

Now? Now?

Monday December 16th 2013, Sweden, Västerås.

The internet might also be a place we go to to avoid the void. Or ourselves, or what to do next. A fixating white tunnel, rectangular. Maybe it’s where you do the next thing.


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