to Laura, on waking. The Deer.
July 13, 2012 § Leave a comment
I think now that I will neither be able to (unless the guest of someone else who has cooked, who I therefore do not wish to upset) eat nor pretend it might be alright to eat meat.
I woke with a feeling of certainty from a vivid dream this morning, and I thought to tell you because yesterday when we had started that discussion I had somehow lost feeling within my gut (I mean instinct or opinion) // Actually: a brief aside: being in London and at first so tired, I keep finding myself quite out of touch with my right mind. Tongue estranged from sense and voicing opinions no longer even my own but others’ reproduced in fatigue. An oddity that alarmed me, and I must address…
— Anyway did not voice my own feeling but merely listened and swirled the shallows of that briefly-opened conversation. And now after this dream it is quite clear, and so:
The dream had been a dark green, lush one and of moving between houses with my mother visiting kin or others. Whatever. Then:
A young doe; a fawn.
I stroke the stricken animal, comfort it (her head large like a reindeer actually) because she cries.
I do not realise why, and then a man comes (white-wigged or haired, in red with perhaps a black tri-cornered hat). Military dress, old fashioned.
He holds a scalpel and cuts from the top of the head, the frightened deer.
I flee — why could I not have stopped him? –running into other relatives or other, I am inconsolable, they do not respond or share my grief.
I have dreamt before of suffering creatures (at human hands); have been before stricken by grief for them whilst others look on, calm.
I have abided by the rule stated initially (only eating meat when guest) but have perhaps concealed my ‘preference’ or doubted myself enough not to voice my instinct in conversation. Which might be more important (worse).
The truth is: there are many arguments that might be had; many points made on either side, clever and well-backed no doubt. But foremost I see (and as you began, speaking yesterday) suffering.
Suffering overlooked (sentimental, woman-like, unpleasant, moral, unfashionable). Pain, and fear.